Why Am I Single?

FAQs About Catherine Capcot

Why did a woman write a dating guide for men?

There are lots of times, particularly with dating, when it’s helpful to get an outsider’s perspective. Just like women can be tragically enabled by our girlfriends, men sometimes just don’t have the perspective to tell each other what’s going wrong (because often, they make the same mistakes!). In my coaching career, I’ve met so many great men who were struggling to find a relationship, and I wanted to help.

Is this dating advice specific to a certain type of man?

Yes and no. This advice does not care if you’re 18 or 99; short or tall; rich or broke; party animal or resident introvert. However, I find that the men who are most successful — who take this advice and use it to their advantage — are ones who approach it with humility and curiosity. Those who are looking for someone to placate them and tell them they’re doing everything perfectly should call their mother. Everyone else can read the book.

What gives you insight into what men are doing wrong in dating?

I’m a career dating coach and a lifelong woman. I’ve not only been on dates, but I’ve heard countless stories from my friends and the inside scoop on what turned them off. Instead of keeping it all a secret, I decided to share these notes with you.

How is this book different from other types of dating advice for men?

Other dating tips for men fall into one of two categories:

1. The “there are more fish in the sea” type of advice. This one irks me because it’s not advice, it’s this total dismissal of real problems! Of course there are always other people, but if you keep making the same mistakes, who does that help?
2. The “have you tried being hotter?” type of advice. Working out and eating well are great recommendations, but totally miss the point. Formal and informal studies consistently demonstrate that women consider other aspects before physique when selecting a male partner. If you’re clean and presentable, I promise this isn’t your biggest problem.

I decided that my book wouldn’t be coddling and would actually have actionable recommendations, and that’s what I did. Lots is outside your control, but tons of stuff is fully within your control. That’s what I focus on in this book.

The book says it’s a troubleshooting guide. What does that mean?

This book started as a conversation with a client. As I often do, I was having him take me through his dating process step-by-step, asking questions as we went. I made a comment that 90% of my clients’ dating struggles are explained by the same errors over and over. He said something like, “I wish there was just a check list.” That check list became this book. Is it going to cover every nuanced situation and specific person you might find on the dating scene? Absolutely not. But it’s going to cover the vast, vast majority of them.

What’s the most surprising reaction you’ve gotten to the book?

I was giving a talk once, and did a Q&A after. This one guy got up and he said, “This book honestly really hurt my feelings.” And that just sucks all the air out of the room. I wasn’t expecting that! I feel terrible, no one is really sure what to say, but then this guy continues: “It was what I needed.” He went on to say that he felt really defensive reading this book. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized he needed the tough love to help him succeed, because the usual “oh just be yourself” stuff obviously wasn’t working. He said he was ready to try anything, so he committed to it. And it worked. And he got married. I was so happy for him, and really impressed that he was willing to give the book a chance and then willing to share that in front of other people!